Want to know an interesting piece of information?
If you are a birth mother who voluntarily placed her child for adoption, you may be ineligible for adoption.
Sound like something from times gone by? Allow me to let you know how recent this information is: today. When I was married in the past, my ex-husband and I were looking into adoption. One of the questions that was asked by each of the adoption agencies that we spoke to was if we had ever had a child that was placed for adoption. It also asked about children that were removed from custody, but that is not the focus of this article.
I honestly answered the question. "Yes" I wrote in. When the social worker looked at our form, each and every time, their face would go from relaxed and easy to tense. One woman asked "Did you mean to check off that you were looking to adopt?" I shook my head. "We are here to adopt, but I also placed a child for adoption when I was a teenager. I was very young and I knew that I could not provide a good environment for a baby while I was still a child." She started tapping her pen on the desk from tip to end. "I don't know how to say this. I really don't. You can't adopt a child if you have placed a child for adoption." We sat there, dumbfounded. She continued. "You can't decline to share it, either. It is linked to the records through your date of birth and your social security number. " She smiled a very forced smile.
"The only option for you is to go surrogate. No agency in the United States will allow you to adopt a child if you have placed a child up for adoption. Not even a state agency." She thanked us for our time, shook our hands and ushered out of the building, lest the taint of my "sin" contaminate her.
My ex and I were not deterred. We tried several more agencies, some in person and some on the telephone. We were blunt when we spoke on the phone. "Can we adopt if one of us has placed a child for adoption?" Each time, we were told "No. You cannot." Sometimes, the next sound that we heard was dial tone. It was one of the most disheartening times of my life. I had been told by the agency that I placed my child with that we would "both be starting with a clean slate." I had been told that "No one need know about this part of your life." I always responded with "I am not ashamed of my child. I did not go out to try and get pregnant. I never wanted that. I was molested."
The incident with my ex-husband is something that I have not thought about in over a decade until a friend of mine called me today to tell me that she and her husband had been declined by an adoption agency because she had placed a child for adoption while she was still in college. All of those raw emotions came forward for me. It hurt to basically be told that you are not eligible to raise a life because you placed a life up for adoption when you could not raise them.
There has to be a better way to treat birthmothers. Not to marginalize them or punish them for a decision that they were encouraged to make when their child was born. For some of these women, the choice was not even a choice. They were told that they would not be able to return home if they chose to parent their child. They were made to end the relationship with the birth father. There are as many stories as there are birthparents. The decision to place a child for adoption is not one that is made lightly.
When I was pregnant with my son, I promised all of my family members that I would place my child for adoption. I promised them that I would "do the right thing". That did not stop me from having hopes and dreams for myself and the child that I was carrying. That did not stop me later in life wanting to have a little family to raise.
I am not a secret and this needs to stop.
She wore the ring on her finger every day since she graduated from school with a degree in bookkeeping, the woman explained. Her mother made her get her full name and Social Security number in it in case it was ever lost, hopefully somehow, that would help the ring come back to her. Her mother worked at the grain silo, where she would initial each man's time card as they came in for work. Again in the afternoon, she would perform the same task. After a year there, her boss rewarded her with a rubber stamp. "Sarah" was grateful for the stamp as the pen rubbing against her finger would sometimes make a blister. "It was a shorter than normal pen, and it hit me right below the ring. Sometimes it would creep under my ring and that really hurt!" She said, laughing as she rubbed the ring.
Her parents told her that she could either have a ring for graduation or a vacation. She chose the ring because her father was friends with a jeweler.
The man came in every day to the silo. He always took the time to make a small joke and bring her a copy of the newspaper when he remembered that she asked "Are you finished with that paper?" as he was leaving the office. She learned his name was "Jack" and that he lived only a few miles from her. For 3 months, they merely exchanged pleasantries. She even told him of a man that had asked her out for a dinner date. "You can't go out with him, Sarah!" He exclaimed, hitting his leg with his hat. "Why not, Jack?" She asked. "Because you should go out with me." He replied, not looking at her.
She agreed. They went to dinner. Walked around the block of downtown, looking at the windows of the department stores. They went on dates every week for three weeks. On their one month anniversary, Jack asked Sarah if she would consider marrying him. She agreed. At the end of the next month, they were married, with the only other ring she would ever wear, her wedding band. She also had it engraved with her new last name and Social Security number.
A year later began the children. Four in total. Two girls and two boys. Each would complete college and would be offered the same as their mother. A gold class ring or a vacation. Each one, having heard the story of the ring their whole lives would choose the ring. As did their children.
We sat together in her living room where I was her daytime caregiver. She was nearing the end of her time here on earth, and she asked me to write down the story for her children. She was afraid that the children would forget the story of the two rings.
I told her that I was sure that they would not, but she also wanted to note in the facts that I was writing for her where both rings came from so that both girls could get a duplicate of the ring that they would not be inheriting made if they chose to.
I love it when I find out the history of items, because in that history is the history of people and family. Do you have jewelry with a family history in it? Share in the details!
I have been looking for a certain relative for a number of years. He is not a "close" relative, but I believe that he could help me in my search. I have looked at search sites, social media sites, phone number sites and more. It is like this person does not exist after a certain date. No wife, no children, no nothing. I was doing everything that I could do and having no luck doing it. To say that I was frustrated was very much an understatement!
Tonight, watching Forensic Files, got me to thinking about this person that I was looking for. I reached for my book, The Manual to Online Public Records, which I reviewed here recently. I flipped to the last state that I have any information on my missing relative to see if anything would stand out for me as a place to search. There was my lead. Sexual Offender Registry. Could it be? Would I find my person there? I went to the address and typed in the name. Sure enough, there was my "missing person." I was sad about his life situation, but I now understood why he fell off the radar.
When you are looking for someone that seems to disappear, look in cemeteries, obituaries, city, county, parish, state and federal jail and prison records. Look in neighboring communities as well.
I have noticed that with prisoners who die in prison, it is very rare to see an obituary. If there ever is one, I have never seen an obituary for an everyday person note that the person died in jail or prison. I am sure that there are exceptions, however, I have never seen them.
Another place to look for your missing person is in local newspapers in the "Police Blotter" section. It may be called something else, but do take the time to look around.
There was a newspaper in a small coastal town in Texas that used to publish photographs of everyone that had been arrested for drunk driving. I don't know if they still do that, but the first time I saw it, I was appalled. I thought about how embarrassing it would be to live in that town and have a moment like that captured for a newspaper. Talk about an incentive to be good!
Finally, get in touch with the relatives closest to this person. Were they troubled? A drifter? Chemical addictions? Any clues like that might point you to where you can find the person.
Now that I have found my answer, I can close a chapter of a search. I was looking for this person to determine if they could be the father of someone. At the time of the person's conception, they had already been incarcerated for 5 years. So, he is eliminated and we can focus on other people. What a ride it was to get to this place, though!
Since I have been on my search for my paternal biological family, I have been fortunate enough to come across some really lovely people. I have met some of the most helpful people that you could ever want to meet.
I have also met some people who really did not think that I should be following through on finding my biological family.
I would like to comment on that with some cold, hard facts, and probably some raw emotion as well.
I am not a secret. I have never lived as though I were a secret. I am a person. I have thoughts, feelings, emotions, and bleed when I am cut, the same as everyone else.
I am not a secret. What two adults did to get me here was something that I was a result of, not because I was an active consenting person.
I am not a secret. When I am asked for my complete medical history, I can only make a guess at part of my history. Because I don't know.
I am not a secret. When I look at my family, I know that I have traits that belong to my biological parent that I don't know.
I am not a secret. I never agreed to be in hiding so that someone would not have to confront their actions from the past.
I am not a secret. I am not in hiding, nor should I have to be.
I am not demanding a relationship with my biological family, if that is not what they want. But what I am wanting is for them to know that I exist. For them to know that there is someone else in the world who is carrying their genetic line. For them to know that life is messy, that is how we are made. I don't hold any anger or grudges, but I am not a secret.
For United States Readers, Independence Day Celebrations are nearly upon us. Although July 4th falls on a Tuesday, there are some sites that are offering free access to their records!
Here are the details:
American Ancestors is being very generous with their offer of access for a week completely free. All that you have to do is sign up, and you are able to use all of their databases! Expires July 6th, 2017.
Ancestry is offering access to their 13 Colonies database, ending on July 4th.
Go sign up and enjoy looking at the free databases!
Ellis Island Statue of Liberty Genealogy Portal
As always, good luck on your search!
A problem that a lot of people have when trying to reach out and contact their genetic family via Ancestry and other similar sites is that the family members that they are trying to reach out to don't check their accounts very often.
This can be really frustrating for a person who is trying to discover their family.
Here are some tips that I have used to try and find the family that I am looking for. I hope that these will help you, too!
1. Search the username in a google search, in quotation marks. If the user name is ABC123, I will search "ABC123" to see what pulls up. If I don't get a lot of hits or if I get no hits, I will remove the quotes. Sometimes I get a lot of hits. Sometimes, I am still stumped.
If I am lucky, at one of these posts, there will be an email address or a contact me button. I pretty much know that I have the right person if I find posts by that user name in a genealogy forum or page.
The weirdest one that I have ever looked for? One match only, and it was to a toy boat collector in Europe. Sent an email and heard back from him in less than 30 minutes. He had only taken the test to learn what his genetic makeup was. Never bothered to create a family tree or check back to the site. Imagine his surprise when I united him to a very close family relative.
2. Notice if the user name is a person's name. Some people will just use their name. JohnWSmith, for example would help my search, especially if I had an idea of the city and state that they are in. The more unusual the name, the easier this will be.
3. Notice if the user name gives a clue. JohnWSmithGolferNYC would really help you out in your search. The username JWSNYC tells me nothing, unless there are matches on the initial google search.
4. Make notes of what actions that you take as you go. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to find the great lead that you had, only to find out that you can't find it.
5. IF you decide to send emails, take the time to create the same email in a word processing file, such as Microsoft Office or Open Office. That way, you can merely copy and paste over and over to all of the contacts that you find.
6. Make notes of all of the emails that you send out, and if you get responses, make notes of them as well.
Good luck on your search!
Cocktails and Swagger is now also on Facebook! Feel free to bookmark the link for yourself and to share it with friends!
I am really excited about growing out into different places on social media. In July, you will get to hear our new podcast, there is a contest coming up for my dear readers, and book reviews!
The summer is shaping up to be really informative!!
I was beginning to doubt whether or not I would ever be able to write this article!
As all of you know, I have no idea of who my biological father is. This caused me a lot of angst when I was a teenager. I so badly wanted that "Dad" moment that you see on television. The one where the daughter knows that she and her father have a special bond.
Growing up, I assumed that my mother's husband was my father. I had no reason to believe otherwise. I called him "Daddy" and he loved me very much and still does, I am sure. Bring in an ugly divorce and all of the sudden, I knew that "Daddy" was no biological relation to me. I was gutted to the core.
Less than 8 years later, I would be adopted by my Aunt and Uncle. I would now call them "Mom and Dad". I loved them very much then, and I still do now. I honor and respect them very much, too.
As I grow older, it is weird when I am asked for medical information. I have to leave part of my information blank. I simply don't know the answers because I don't know who my father is.
I find it interesting that through the years, I have been discouraged from searching by people. I have been told "What if you are intruding upon his life?" or "What if he has a wife or children?" and similar.
My answer has changed over the years, from quietly backing down my search back then to explaining that I never agreed to be someone's shameful secret. Why should I be a secret, anyway?
After I got my test done from Family Tree DNA, I wanted to know who my father was, RIGHT THEN!
Of course, life doesn't work that way.
I diligently uploaded my DNA to all of the relevant sites. GEDmatch is the massive one that everyone will tell you about. I uploaded to there, and I encouraged all of my family that had been tested to do the same. I joined groups on Facebook and elsewhere that are for people trying to connect with their bio family.
I am referred to as an NPE, which stands for Non-Parental Event or Not Parent Expected. I prefer the easier term of "bastard" because my parents were not married at the time of my conception, or anytime before or after. I truly understand that term, but we live in a gentler time, so NPE it is.
Being a part of these boards is being a part of a community. Adoptees searching for birth parents and birth family, birth family looking for adoptee, people like myself looking for their bio father and similar.
Occasionally, people will post with their reunion story, and they will sometimes post photos of them and one or both parents. It is very heartening to see, and it breeds hope in the soul.
At first, I would scroll through. I did not participate, I only read. I was too scared about all of the what if that was out there. I tried to tell myself that I was too busy or that I was wasting my time, and a bunch of other reasons that were not really valid.
When it boiled down to it, I was scared. I was scared of the possibility of rejection. Of the chance that my birth father did not want to have anything to do with me. Plus many more thoughts that became huge fears that only increased in size during the time that they were allowed to dwell unabated in my head.
I read a post that changed all of that. A woman posted looking for her father. She was in anguish because she wanted to know this man before her grandchild was born. The responses were heartfelt and genuine. People encouraged her to proceed with her search. They told her to be brave. Heart emoji's flew everywhere. She asked the question that had been lying in my heart. "What if he doesn't want anything to do with me?"
The answers back were a balm for me. "Then you know." A woman said. "Give him time. Wait for him to make the decision. Right now, he doesn't even know that there is a decision to make."
Those were the words that firmed my resolve. My biological father, if he was alive, did not know. How could he decide yes or no about knowing me if he did not even know I existed?
I crafted the post over several days. It was really hard for me to try and explain what I now call "My conception story" because I really did not have a lot of details. The ones that I had were not really specific. But they were details. If a person who was born into a traditional family was able to hand out their conception story on an engraved card, I felt like mine was on a dirty bar napkin. But it was all I had.
I added a few photos of me, and a few photos of my mother. Within a few hours, I had people asking to help me. Asking where my DNA results were posted to. Making connections and letting me know what those connections meant. I was really happy, and excited.
This month, I got my very own "search angel". A search angel is a person that helps you with your search and points you in the right direction, asks your contacts questions, and does what is needed to narrow your search down.
My search angel has been amazing. She has asked me questions and helped me on my search. By using my DNA information and my contacts through my DNA test, she has been able to create a family tree with me in it. She sent me an image and said "I think that this man is your father." I stared at that photo. I could see me in him, but for some reason, I didn't want to see the link when she told me that this man was deceased. It was like being gut punched. Shortly afterwards, a photo was sent to me that, if it turns out that he is my father, she is my half sibling.
We will know soon enough, but I am possibly on the path to knowing the other half of me.
I always advocate either creating a paper trail for future generations of genealogy or following a paper trail when trying to find someone who is deceased.
A friend of mine is going through a close family member being placed in a hospice center. When I worked for a church years ago, we had a list of things that a person who is the caregiver should do ahead of time in order to have as smooth a transition for themselves and their family member as possible. I am going to include it here as I feel it would provide a lot of places to look for hints and clues about their ancestors. Enjoy and good luck in your search.
Hospice Care Checklist for Family Members for End of Life Care and Aftercare.
The most loving act that a person will do for another person is the planning and execution of funeral and aftercare arrangements. No longer is the person there to give approval. It is strictly an act of love, obligation and respect that allows a survivor to complete the plans of the funeral.
Pre-planning for Funeral and Burial
24-72 Hours After Death
One Week After Death
Months After Death
Book Review: The Manual to Online Public Records by Sankey and Hetherington. Updated 4th Edition.
If you are doing a lot of online research for finding family members in your search for reunion or building family trees, this book can be one of the tools in your arsenal that will help you to find matches.
Published by Facts on Demand Press, this book is amazing! It breaks down into different sections search strategies and tools.
Chapter 5 and 6 are what will make this book a goldmine for genealogists and family searchers. It is a list of resources broken down by state and county. I have used these sections so much already that I have bookmarks in the areas that I tend to use the most. Chapter 6 is Federal resources and how to access them. I find myself using this book all the time in looking up information and I know that you will, too. The thing that I find the most helpful in using this book is the way it is laid out is very intelligent. Seeing all of the licensing bodies, for example, will allow me to look in areas that I might not have considered up until then.
My name is Dixie, and this is the blog part of my page, where I write about whatever strikes my fancy. Contact me at: PirateDixie@gmail.com